it sucks i can't keep which people i know are dead or not

it sucks i can't keep which people i know are
dead or not, i keep remembering that they're
alive but in my mind they're dead because they're
so close anyway or because they died and it
didn't affect me. i can't remember who's
dead. who's alive. worst of all is that i am
reminded who is still alive. i have plane
tickets dedicated to these lives, but
they're already gone in me
and that's why it sucks and why i'm an idiot